18 October 2010

Monday funnies

(via RM) A Paraprosdokian (from Greek "παρα-", meaning "beyond" and "προσδοκία", meaning "expectation") is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax.
  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

  • Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

  • If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  • War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

  • Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

  • How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

  • Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

  • Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

  • A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

  • Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

  • I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  • I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

  • Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

  • Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  • I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

  • Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

  • There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

  • I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

  • When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

  • You're never too old to learn something stupid.

  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

  • Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

  • If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

  • Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

1 comment:

Biomass-Expert said...

This is excellent! Thanks for brightening my morning.